Making Hard Conversations Easy

Huyen Le

The Ostrich Effect: Why Avoiding Negative Information & Hard Conversations Doesn’t Work

The ostrich effect is a cognitive bias where people tend to ignore negative information, including feedback that could help them track their progress toward a goal. Rather than addressing challenges directly, we choose to look away—much like the idea of an ostrich burying its head in the sand when they sense danger, hoping the problem will just go away. However, this avoidance often backfires, leading to greater consequences that could have been minimised if we had confronted the issue early on.

While ostriches don’t actually do this, many of us behave the same way when faced with difficult conversations, especially in relationships—we avoid them, hoping the discomfort will pass on its own.

But if you bury your head in the sand, the problem doesn’t just go away—it gets inside us. It lingers, festers, and changes how we behave. Worse, it becomes contagious and toxic, affecting the people around us.

There was a time when my partner and I were having an intense conversation, but we couldnt finish this because we had to pick up our kids from school. My daughter was a bit cheeky that day, and after listening to one of her naughty friends, she lifted up my partner’s shirt and laughed at his belly. He was furious. Instead of calmly explaining to her that this was inappropriate behavior, he snapped at her. She cried the entire way home. This moment showed me firsthand how avoiding or bottling up issues can make us lash out at the wrong time, hurting those we care about.

Reframing Discomfort: A New Perspective on Hard Conversations

Most people think of discomfort, negative feelings, and stress as things to avoid. We naturally seek comfort and security, assuming that if something makes us uncomfortable, it must be bad. But the truth is, growth never happens in comfort.

Think about it: muscles grow when they are challenged, learning happens when we stretch our minds, and relationships deepen when we navigate difficult discussions with care. Instead of fearing discomfort, we can reframe it as a sign that something important is happening. Facing hard conversations head-on isn’t just about resolving conflicts—it’s about building stronger, healthier connections.

How to Make Difficult Conversations Easier

If you keep having the same tough conversation over and over again, maybe it’s time to change how you approach it. Instead of diving straight into what’s wrong, consider shifting the tone and the environment.

Try changing the setting—rather than having the conversation at home, where emotions might already be heightened, choose a neutral space like a coffee shop with soft music. The relaxed atmosphere can help lower defenses. Begin by expressing appreciation, acknowledging what the other person does well before bringing up concerns. This small adjustment can make them more open to listening.

Rather than focusing on what they did wrong, share how their actions made you feel. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I feel unheard when this happens, and I would love it if we could work on that together.” Framing it this way shifts the conversation from blame to understanding.

And finally, rather than just pointing out problems, offer solutions. Approach the discussion as a team effort rather than a confrontation. When handled with care, difficult conversations become opportunities for connection, growth, and mutual respect.

How to Deal with Negative Feelings and Stress

Before starting a difficult conversation (that you prefer to avoid), it helps to manage your emotions first. Here’s how you can do it in a way that keeps you grounded and in control:

1. Name It: The moment you feel tension building, pause and identify what you’re feeling. Naming emotions—whether it’s frustration, sadness, or disappointment—helps activate the right ventrolateral prefrontal cortex, which helps regulate emotions and reduce stress. This shifts activity from the amygdala (which triggers stress responses) to the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that helps with reasoning and problem-solving).
2. Reflect on Misalignment: Ask yourself what’s really bothering you. What need isn’t being met? Are you feeling unheard, unappreciated, or overwhelmed? Instead of placing blame, take a step back and diagnose the issue within yourself first.
3. Speak Your Truth: Once you have clarity, share your feelings without accusation. Instead of saying, “You always ignore me,” try, “I feel hurt when I don’t get a response, and I’d love for us to work on better communication.” This keeps the conversation open and constructive.
4. Communicate Expectations: Lastly, be clear about what you need—not just from your partner but also from yourself. What is the message behind your emotions? Understanding this allows you to set healthier boundaries and express what’s truly important to you.

By handling emotions with care and approaching conversations with clarity and empathy, we not only make difficult discussions easier but also strengthen our relationships in the process. When we stop avoiding discomfort and start embracing honest communication, we create space for real connection and growth.